Preamble
The podcast stops playing on my phone as it begins to ring. I see the name of a friend flash up. I’ve taken many calls in the past week, but I don’t have anything left. I look down at my messy clothes, I feel my unbrushed hair and teeth, and my general sense of disarray.
My hand is hovering over the phone on the counter, and eventually, it stops ringing. I feel two things mainly. Firstly, I feel sadness. Sadness because I don’t have the energy to talk to my friend on the phone. Secondly? Utter embarrassment.
Let’s Talk
Does your mental illness ever make you feel embarrassed? When you are at your lowest, the simplest things are impossible, and it’s hard not to be distraught.
When I’m depressed I can barely get out of bed, nevermind shower. So if a friend turns up randomly at my home, I’m probably not clean. This makes me feel ashamed for my state of being. Although it cannot be helped, it still hurts.
Also, I can’t sleep at night, so I usually sleep between 7am and 10am. I can hear you say, “you need to adopt a more healthy sleep pattern,” and I agree. It doesn’t mean I’m not trying, it just means it’s not working.
Mostly for me though, the hardest part of the depression, is the brain fog. The dissociation. I can’t string sentences together. I find driving difficult. It amps up my anxiety which feeds my depression. If I could get off the hamster wheel I would, but all I can do it wait for it to slow down.
I was able to do some washing today. This is a big win for me. Sometimes I’m fine. I’m ok, I can work, and read, and wash and learn, and not be hard on myself.
Sometimes though, I need to rest.
Solution
There are many vasts posts about mental health and no one solution.
The one that works for me, that makes me feel less embarrassed is I don’t take myself too seriously. Life is a wonder, and it’s amazing to be alive, but it doesn’t make it any less strange. I’m still a valid person, and my inactivity does not define my worth.
Previous mental health post here.
Also the website The Mighty is a great place to find solidarity in people who are feeling the same as you.
Thinking Moon 
I’m almost always up to talk about most anything. However, I’m weird about who I want to talk to. And maybe it’s just me but all too often I feel like nobody wants to talk especially when it’s about feelings or emotions.
It’s just like a line from a Black Crowes song, “nobody wants to hear you when you’re down.”
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Exactly you don’t want to burden people but it’s difficult to be cheery when you’re not feeling it.
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Well, you can talk to me about whatever you want. Even if you’re all out of sorts!
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Thanks John I appreciate that.
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You’re welcome
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It’s good to acknowledge where you’re at so you can improve. Most people aren’t even there. We are all part of a process. Some of us may look more together, but we’re really not. Peace and good health. Mark
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Thanks Markl. 🙂
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you’re welcome.
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Spoon theory lady. All your spoons are used up (I like to think of them all in the dishwasher) and you just have no more to give. And you know what – it’s perfectly ok. Anyone that doesn’t understand is not worth your time or effort. Go put the dishwasher on and while its washing your spoons ready for another day you do you and whatever you need to be you. And if the dishwasher takes 2 days (or longer), then so be it!
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You are literally the best human and cleary the superior Quinn sibling! xxx
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